I'm fine, really.

How are you?  the greeting that everyone knows isn't usually a real question.  Everyone expects the usual "Fine, and you?"  The typical North American exchange.  Everyone knows that "how are you?" really doesn't imply any interest in the other person's well being. This is why I'm seldom honest when asked. When a person stops me and asks "really?" after I answer "fine" I'm often moved to tears. To have someone care enough to want to know how I'm really doing is a gift.

I often wonder what people would think if I gave an honest answer.  If I answered every person honestly who asked "How are you?" I'd never get anything done. Not to mention that people would be sure to stop asking me. I hurt. Every day I hurt. There is never a time when I don't hurt. So what do I say when people ask "How are you?" My usual answer is just like everyone else, "fine."  I let myself go silent because I don't want to seem like a whiner.

On particularly bad days I'll usually say something along the lines of "I'm here" or "I'm alive" or "surviving." My own private code that few understand to mean "Please just shoot me now and put me out of my misery."

On my good days I'll usually answer "I'm good."

An invisible illness is easy to forget. If you don't know that the person next to you is dealing with a chronic illness you may not realize how well she is hiding her pain.

Trying to heal

I usually try to avoid New Year's Resolutions simply because I hate the guilt when I break them. This year though I decided that rather than the usual diet and exercise resolutions I'd try to eliminate processed foods from my diet.

This is easier said than done. When I'm hungry and McDonald's is right in front of me it is really hard not to pull into the drive through. For right now just thinking of the pink paste picture that is circling the internet is enough to make me gag and drive right on by.

Sometimes deciding what is a processed food is difficult. I’m not yet ready to start making my own pasta so is it okay to buy sprouted wheat pasta and eat that? What about bread? I have a bread maker so is it better to make my own white bread or is it better to buy sprouted wheat bread?

I’m not going to make cheese, butter or cottage cheese, that stuff I’m going to buy, trying to find organic whenever possible. I’m hoping to join a CSA (community supported agriculture) as soon as possible so I can get organic fresh from the farm produce and grass fed meat.

My goal with this diet is to hopefully make my body healthier than it has been in years. I’m not sure if eating all of this processed foods, artificial ingredients, preservatives and other chemicals caused my fibromyalgia. I’m sure it didn’t help. I don’t know if it is too late to undo the damage already done. I can only be sure that by changing my diet I won’t be doing more damage.