chron·ic [kron-ik] adjective
Having long had a disease...(of a disease) having long duration (opposed to acute).
Long duration...I've only been diagnosed for three months and it already feels like I've had this for years. The habit of waking early enough to take my pain meds and going back to sleep for an hour so when it is time to get up and get ready for work my pain isn't debilitating. The habit of standing still for a moment after getting out of a chair or my car or bed to make sure that I have my balance and to see what is hurting. Watching people move effortlessly and wishing I could make them understand what a blessing that is; that someday it could be gone in an instant.
I'm better than I was. Putting on my bra used to take fifteen minutes and more than once I just stood there and cried. I'm re-learning how to walk normally again. I've been walking with a limp and short steps for so long that I've forgotten how to walk normally. My hands don't hurt nearly as much as I used to and I'm starting to build up their strength again.
I've made numerous adjustments: bras with a larger band size, slip on shoes, picking what seats to use very carefully and wearing clothes that aren't too tight or hard to get off. I'm learning my limits and how far I can push myself. I'm getting more sleep, eating better, taking supplements and visiting the chiropractor. I'm learning that it is important to take care of me, so that I'm able to take care of the rest of my family.
Chronic...maybe forever...that is a long time, very hard to wrap my mind around it. If I think about it too hard I want to panic, or cry. So I try to focus on today. Today is enough, I don't need to worry about any more than that.
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